2 parts. 1st it dont matter 2nd to my family

it doesn't matter who I'm with
it doesn't matter what I'm doing
it doesn't matter where i am
i still feel all alone
I still feel lonely and disowned
I know i shouldn't
I know i cant
I know that i never will
but i miss your arms
i miss your hugs
i miss your kisses and loves
I know they were all a lie
i know they were just a play
i know that you don't care
but when i was with you
i felt safe,
i felt like i could be me
i felt like i could tell you anything
its like i lost so much of me
when i lost you
it doesn't matter who I'm with
it doesn't matter what I'm doing
it doesn't matter where i am


everyone tells me i am better off, and that i will be stronger
that i will survive cause i am STRONG.
to all those that say that you just think i am strong
cause i don't let you see me cry myself to sleep every night
i cover up all my emotions with laughter, jokes, and smiles...


to my family"
I AM NOT MY GOSH DARN COUSIN. YES SHE HAS A DECENT JOB, YES SHE IS RESPONSIBLE BUT ONLY CAUSE SHE WAS AN IDIOT AND GOT HERSELF KNOCKED UP AND HAD TO TAKE CONTROLL OF HER LIFE FOR HER KIDS SAKE. DO I LOVE HER YES. BUT I AM STILL NOT HER I KNOW TO MY FAMILY COLLEDGE AND GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL ISNT A BIG DEAL CAUSE MOST OF THEM DID NOT. BUT TO ME IT IS. I WANNA BE SOMETHING, I WANNA DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE. AND I AM SICK OF YOU BIT**ING ABOUT ME CAUSE IM NOT WORKING ALL THE GOSH DARN TIME. SO TO ALL OF YOU, YOU CAN SUCK A FREAKIN NUGGET, AND LEAVE ME ALONE. DONT TALK TO ME, DONT CALL ME, DONT ANYTHING ME. MY FAMILY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. AND WHEN I MAKE IT AND I GET WHERE I WANNA GO IN LIFE YOUR NOT WELCOME, YOU CANT SHARE THE SUCESS, OR THE PRIDE. to my family... i am so so so sorry that i am not good enough for you, that im not enough because im 19 almost 20 and not prego or with a kid, i am sorry im not enough because i stayed focused and graduated, and got my but to college. i am sorry that me following my dreams and my hopes is so disappointing and so wrong to you. but all my life that is all i have heard. i have always known that compared to the rest of my family i wasnt like my cousins, i wasnt like you. i just wanna be me and im sorry that isnt enough for my family.

yeah.......

SO, im late on updating this... but this week sucks, the snow oh my goodness the snow. im so so sick of it and yet i love snow. my family situation, right now well its dramatic.. my dad swung by the house to day and spent 15 min that it im not kidding and then when he was getting ready to leave he said and i quote " oh wow i've already been here way to long" and walked out the door. im just so annoyed.. ggrrrr.
But on a happier note I LOVE LOVE LOVE my classes. they are the best. at least the history ones and the math. the rest are all right. umm I miss my friend he is on a mission but thats normal around here. i also miss my best friend she is up in logan going to school and im stuck here. Also i think that my cousin is a hoe, and sometother words i cannot put on here. anyone i will up date again so oh
and the song of the day

CHICKEN FRIED by zac brown band

You know I like my chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love
Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia pine

And that`s home you know

Sweet tea pecan pie and homemade wine

Where the peaches grow

And my house it`s not much to talk about

But it`s filled with love that`s grown in southern ground

And a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love

And its funny how it`s the simple things in life that mean the most

Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes

There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind this I`ve come to know

So if you agree have a drink with me Raise you glasses for a toast

To a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love
I thank God for my life

And for the stars and stripes

May freedom forever fly, let it ring.

Salute the ones who died

The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice

All the things we love

Like our chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love

first blog of 2009

SO where to start.... ok new years resolutions:

1. Study Harder, and get B's and above
2. Learn to Love myself
3. Update my blog at least weekly (its a therapy of sorts)
4. Get out more
5. Live drug, smoking, and substance free (continue)
6. NO more speeding tickets

ok so from my last couple blogs you could tell something was up in my life, i guess im just learning to deal and Londi love ya said to go talk to someone about it, and i did thanks and me and him decided that the best thing for me would be keep a journal of sorts, or diary somewhere to vent, and to make biweekly apts with him and so that is what im doing. but instead of a written journal of sorts im using my blog and me and him will both keep taps on it and make make sure that im re focused in life... but no im in seeing a shrink.

i hope everyone had a wonderful fun filled new years eve and new years