Let me out please, just let me go
Let me find away to free myself
Let succeed or let me fail
Let me live or let me die
It matters not what i do or what i say
But that i decide my fate
I clung to you like you were my life my heart
I let you decide my fate
I meant nothing to you and my heart meant less
And there you are out there doing your thing
Filling my head with nothing but lies and false hopes
And so here i am begging you to just let me go
I want to be able to find myself
Because between everything that has happened to me
and all the people in my world
my walls and my foundation
Are crumbling like walls of a seiged castle
Please let me out, just let me go
please let me live, or let me DIE!*!

me, myself and a sea of blackness

Well i know it has been a long long time since i wrote on here but i have a very good reason as of late my world seems to have flipped upside down and crumbles around my feet and the foundation to which i built my life on now seem nothing more then sandy beaches. Im not sure you will understand that but that is the best way to explain.
You see lets start with my family; my brother oh wow the problems he has cause himself, drugs drinking stealing cars vandalism running away etc. and then he spent 7 wks in a lock down treatment center in SLC for behavior problems. what a joke behavior problems he needed to get his trash kicked, which is sad since i am against child abuse. and now he is in a day treatment program where i have to get up at 6 drive to there house then take him all the way out to s. ogden and then drive home to n. ogden and then at 3 leave my house to pick him up by four and then drive him to his house. and the worst part this progam is cost them so so so much money that it is affecting other aspects of their well built up world and my brother couldn't care anyless.
my step mom is going back to school and working hard and is always tired yet demands we do things as a family and since she is tired she is cranky which makes everyone else cranky and 6 cranky ppl locked in a motorhome is not a good idea. and even worse she get mad cause i would reather read then fight.
my dad has lost his marbles gone nuts i swear.
my cousin paige is prego....SHOCKER. not anyway she is unmarried and isnt sure she wants the kid. and that just sucks im not sure how her boyfriend aka fiance is reacting for at the time they werent speak and now all wedding plans are suspended indefinatly.
ok now me. well you all remember jake right? well he is suddenly not talk to me at and his new gf asked my permission to date him claiming that she was SO much better for him then i could ever be and ya know what makes it that much worse she is someone i call a good friend. i told her i was totally cool with the fact that my ex fiance who left me to go on his mission and promised to come back to me and that he loved me forever and for always is suddenly long distance dating another girl that is my good friend. and now that she told me he isnt even speaking to me despite the fact that me and him are very very good friends. but yup its totally ok..... wow im a darn good liar cause she is even talking to his family now. which is awkward because i am friends with his cousins and aunt and uncle and every one but his mom and dad and i was over there and she appeard and i dunno what to do i cant cut them out of my life i knew them before i knew him or dated him. now what do i do. and she keeps asking about mine and his pasts like suddenly she needs to compare him and me to him and her. it make me physically sick to talk about it
also i had to take the semester off to work. and my family thinks im failing and will never succed my uncle suggested i follow my mom and just end my life and stop burdening my loved ones with my presence.... that stung and worse i found myself actually considering it. frick i off all ppl should no better but i still thought about it. and now im not speacking to that part of my family. at all i mean nothing.

yayayaya rawr grrr update

Its been so long since i have updated this but that is because i am not sure what to sy about the events and issues that have happened as of recent. so i will just start with a list and go from their.

1. My brother ran away becuase his life with my step parents was oh so horrible and he just went poof. 2 wks he blew off mothers day. and just omg i wanted to strangle him.
   
2. and then he reappeared, only to move in with me which is on so many levels frustrating, and irratating, and weird i am used to being here with just my dad and me and we have rules ya know i mean we have rules and they work for us but oh no heaven for bid my brother fall into the pace of things and obey the rules, but no he has to be the damn rebel with out a cause and i mean its not like our rules are hard or difficult of anything like that i mean basic update where your going, and until you turn 18 the who your with and when you will be back and that fact that he doesn't have a car and can't drive so also how you getting there and back and to obey curfew. which for freaking out loud for a 16 yr old who is failing all his classes and has had 3 court dates in the last month and a half, and been busted with drugs by me multiple times and be busted drunk be me 3 time already is 930 on school days and 11 on weekends unless at mojos and has a prearranged ride then is one. i mean how freakin hard is that to obey.
3. the drug my god its like im surrounded all the time and its driving me nuts everyone knows that i am ANTIDRUGS i hate them i hate what they do to people and to friends of people and my god all the deaths they cause and i have seen to much because of them and grrr. he brought them into my house my gosh darn house.
   
4. my dad is being a grumpy guss. i mean really he is just so gosh darn annoyed and angry with me, and my world and my long drives that i take because i get so darn frustrated with all that is going on in my world and i just cant take it. and i cant afford to do something stupid ya know.
5. my family sux they dont get along
6. my nephew just turned 2
7. my friend is prego what a shock
8. jake oh yeah there is a topic. he umm doesnt have the guts to talk to me anymore i mean he um talks to purple that is just what i call her and starts telling her he wants to get back together with her and she told me she told me. and he hasn't talked to me sense but his mother has. and so i put a letter in the mail today cause i needed to talk to a friend that would understand my crazy rants

okay that was my update. anyquestions or comments im open to them

Depression, Funerals, Abandonment, Lonely.. all in a day.

Death
The last right of life,
The spreading and growth of wings,
The ending of trials and suffering,
The beginning of a passage through clouds,
In the end the choice to fight or flight,
A choice so many forget, and leave for others.
A broken family united and gathered,
for a moment of Prayer...
11 members all so different, and
a biker named Doc, who's the preacher.
A prayer for strength, and courage,
A prayer to lift up to the heaven.
A Lawyer, A biker rally, and Flights,
A will, Machines, and a decision to pull the plug.
Death
---------------------------------------------------------

I feel like i shouldn't even be here. I mean my dad doesn't even look at me, unless he needs something like he wanted us all three of us to pick some songs together and they were all cuddly and together and just telling me to click this click that and then when it came to me they stayed a whole 2 minutes and she was on the phone they didn't talk to me they talked at me and then decided that they had found it all. and that was that. but then i wanted to play them my songs that i liked butbthe one song that i started to play he said "oh this is that darn song that the bar maid is always hmming. and we always laugh" my god it's called Don't laugh at me by Mark Wills. and then they stood up and said well that was helpful.... i shouldnt be around or here i just wanna cry. and i hate crying and tomorrow is my uncles funeral and i miss him so much already and its only been a week, but i have only done this so many times that i just feel numb and that is wrong. i mean really really not right right? i dont know
i know what song i should have played cause it fits so so so well to me right now "how do you get that lonely" blain larsen
im so just done with it all. i feel so abandoned. and ALONE IM ALWAYS ALONE
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't laugh at me by Mark Wills

I'm a little boy with glasses
The one they call the geek
A little girl who never smiles
'Cause I've got braces on my teeth
And I know how it feels
To cry myself to sleep

I'm that kid on every playground
Who's always chosen last
A single teenage mother
Tryin' to overcome my past
You don't have to be my friend
But is it too much to ask

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm the cripple on the corner
You've passed me on the street
And I wouldn't be out here beggin'
If I had enough to eat
And don't think I don't notice
That our eyes never meet

I lost my wife and little boy when
Someone cross that yellow line
The day we laid them in the ground
Is the day I lost my mind
And right now I'm down to holdin'
This little cardboard sign...so

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

I'm fat, I'm thin, I'm short, I'm tall
I'm deaf, I'm blind, hey, aren't we all

Don't laugh at me
Don't call me names
Don't get your pleasure from my pain
In God's eyes we're all the same
Someday we'll all have perfect wings
Don't laugh at me

2 parts. 1st it dont matter 2nd to my family

it doesn't matter who I'm with
it doesn't matter what I'm doing
it doesn't matter where i am
i still feel all alone
I still feel lonely and disowned
I know i shouldn't
I know i cant
I know that i never will
but i miss your arms
i miss your hugs
i miss your kisses and loves
I know they were all a lie
i know they were just a play
i know that you don't care
but when i was with you
i felt safe,
i felt like i could be me
i felt like i could tell you anything
its like i lost so much of me
when i lost you
it doesn't matter who I'm with
it doesn't matter what I'm doing
it doesn't matter where i am


everyone tells me i am better off, and that i will be stronger
that i will survive cause i am STRONG.
to all those that say that you just think i am strong
cause i don't let you see me cry myself to sleep every night
i cover up all my emotions with laughter, jokes, and smiles...


to my family"
I AM NOT MY GOSH DARN COUSIN. YES SHE HAS A DECENT JOB, YES SHE IS RESPONSIBLE BUT ONLY CAUSE SHE WAS AN IDIOT AND GOT HERSELF KNOCKED UP AND HAD TO TAKE CONTROLL OF HER LIFE FOR HER KIDS SAKE. DO I LOVE HER YES. BUT I AM STILL NOT HER I KNOW TO MY FAMILY COLLEDGE AND GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL ISNT A BIG DEAL CAUSE MOST OF THEM DID NOT. BUT TO ME IT IS. I WANNA BE SOMETHING, I WANNA DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE. AND I AM SICK OF YOU BIT**ING ABOUT ME CAUSE IM NOT WORKING ALL THE GOSH DARN TIME. SO TO ALL OF YOU, YOU CAN SUCK A FREAKIN NUGGET, AND LEAVE ME ALONE. DONT TALK TO ME, DONT CALL ME, DONT ANYTHING ME. MY FAMILY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. AND WHEN I MAKE IT AND I GET WHERE I WANNA GO IN LIFE YOUR NOT WELCOME, YOU CANT SHARE THE SUCESS, OR THE PRIDE. to my family... i am so so so sorry that i am not good enough for you, that im not enough because im 19 almost 20 and not prego or with a kid, i am sorry im not enough because i stayed focused and graduated, and got my but to college. i am sorry that me following my dreams and my hopes is so disappointing and so wrong to you. but all my life that is all i have heard. i have always known that compared to the rest of my family i wasnt like my cousins, i wasnt like you. i just wanna be me and im sorry that isnt enough for my family.

yeah.......

SO, im late on updating this... but this week sucks, the snow oh my goodness the snow. im so so sick of it and yet i love snow. my family situation, right now well its dramatic.. my dad swung by the house to day and spent 15 min that it im not kidding and then when he was getting ready to leave he said and i quote " oh wow i've already been here way to long" and walked out the door. im just so annoyed.. ggrrrr.
But on a happier note I LOVE LOVE LOVE my classes. they are the best. at least the history ones and the math. the rest are all right. umm I miss my friend he is on a mission but thats normal around here. i also miss my best friend she is up in logan going to school and im stuck here. Also i think that my cousin is a hoe, and sometother words i cannot put on here. anyone i will up date again so oh
and the song of the day

CHICKEN FRIED by zac brown band

You know I like my chicken fried

Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love
Well I was raised up beneath the shade of a Georgia pine

And that`s home you know

Sweet tea pecan pie and homemade wine

Where the peaches grow

And my house it`s not much to talk about

But it`s filled with love that`s grown in southern ground

And a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love

And its funny how it`s the simple things in life that mean the most

Not where you live or what you drive or the price tag on your clothes

There`s no dollar sign on a piece of mind this I`ve come to know

So if you agree have a drink with me Raise you glasses for a toast

To a little bit of chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love
I thank God for my life

And for the stars and stripes

May freedom forever fly, let it ring.

Salute the ones who died

The ones that give their lives so we don`t have to sacrifice

All the things we love

Like our chicken fried
Cold beer on a Friday night

A pair of jeans that fit just right

And the radio up

Well I`ve seen the sunrise

See the love in my woman`s eyes

Feel the touch of a precious child

And know a mother`s love

first blog of 2009

SO where to start.... ok new years resolutions:

1. Study Harder, and get B's and above
2. Learn to Love myself
3. Update my blog at least weekly (its a therapy of sorts)
4. Get out more
5. Live drug, smoking, and substance free (continue)
6. NO more speeding tickets

ok so from my last couple blogs you could tell something was up in my life, i guess im just learning to deal and Londi love ya said to go talk to someone about it, and i did thanks and me and him decided that the best thing for me would be keep a journal of sorts, or diary somewhere to vent, and to make biweekly apts with him and so that is what im doing. but instead of a written journal of sorts im using my blog and me and him will both keep taps on it and make make sure that im re focused in life... but no im in seeing a shrink.

i hope everyone had a wonderful fun filled new years eve and new years