Lord send the THUNDER Lord send the RAIN

How is it that you wake up and just for that split second everything is the way it was. The way you want it to be, and then like an atom bomb it hits you. That everything has changed. that you no longer get that life you want. I hate that that is what happens i really just wish reality would sink in and then i could coup. But i know that that won't happen until i accept it and deal with it but i dont know how i mean my GOSH. How do i accept the things my friends say. The looks she give me and the lies she tells me. I just dont know weather to confront her or just cut her out. cause this emotional game is KILLING Me. The worst part is she is doing it about something that means darn near nothing to me. He means very little to me. WHY can't she accept that and let me move on but know its always dragging me into the drama and the crap. I just wanna scream at her but i cant do that cause that's not who i am.

I swear someday i wish i could just move to another state or even another country and just start from scratch. But I love the people that im stayin here for. and i dont have the resources to leave or the strength anymore. I never thought that i would see the day when I didn't have the strength to deal with things in my own life. I have always been able to coup and deal no matter what God or this World threw at me... Death, Suicide, Fights, Hatred, etc but dang now i just Can't its like that strength and inner hope i have always been able to draw upon are just gone vanished in the night.

And now all i can do is Pray for RAIN and Thunderstorms!*!*!

Lord i beg of you to send down your water, send down the thunder to drown away the pain and feelin of being lost. Lord just wash away the tears and the FEARS!*! Let your water reignite that inner light, that inner fire through the Storms!*!

Wow what a life!*!

So i haven't been on here in a long while... i think mostly cause i am scared... of writing my thoughts and feelings down because then it makes them real and vulnerable. I'm not really sure where i am going in life or what i am doing anymore. I know i don't wanna be a lawyer or a politician anymore... but i think i wanna try writing or something.
My friend committed suicide and it has been effecting me a lot more then i wanna admit to. you see back when my mom committed suicide i used to get these nightmares and they haunted me forever it took along time to be able to partly get rid of them and now they are back in full force.. i didn't like the person they made me before but now i just don't know i mean they are stronger... its like I'm fighting a demon from within and i don't know how to get rid of them. it just plagues me with unbelievable pain and anguish.
I'm working with aunt at her real estate company... I'm here assistant and I'm loving it every moment. i think that sometimes i forget that she is always there for me no matter what. I just fear that I'm going to disappoint here with who i am. I'm not who they all want me to be.
I haven't talked of hung out with any of my friends in along time and it sucks my stupid phone and stupid boys
Worst of all... my EX comes back in 5 months and i don't think i can handle it... I'm trying very hard to find away to move outta state away from him but i don't have the money or the job to do so. i mean i know I'm not with him anymore but he has this power over me to make me feel worthless, and horrible and dependable on him and i know that he is only using me and worse he pushes and pushes until i tell him my secrets secrets i haven't told anyone else and then he subliminally (modestly) uses them against me and it just hurts so much and yet i cant seem to do anything about it. damn my fool heart and its need for love i know that's all it is but how do i get over that? how do i move on? when he has taken so much from me and who i am?

I LOVE YOU ALL
i will update weekly at least I PROMISE!*! and i have some new poetry i will put up later.