So i haven't been on here in a long while... i think mostly cause i am scared... of writing my thoughts and feelings down because then it makes them real and vulnerable. I'm not really sure where i am going in life or what i am doing anymore. I know i don't wanna be a lawyer or a politician anymore... but i think i wanna try writing or something.
My friend committed suicide and it has been effecting me a lot more then i wanna admit to. you see back when my mom committed suicide i used to get these nightmares and they haunted me forever it took along time to be able to partly get rid of them and now they are back in full force.. i didn't like the person they made me before but now i just don't know i mean they are stronger... its like I'm fighting a demon from within and i don't know how to get rid of them. it just plagues me with unbelievable pain and anguish.
I'm working with aunt at her real estate company... I'm here assistant and I'm loving it every moment. i think that sometimes i forget that she is always there for me no matter what. I just fear that I'm going to disappoint here with who i am. I'm not who they all want me to be.
I haven't talked of hung out with any of my friends in along time and it sucks my stupid phone and stupid boys
Worst of all... my EX comes back in 5 months and i don't think i can handle it... I'm trying very hard to find away to move outta state away from him but i don't have the money or the job to do so. i mean i know I'm not with him anymore but he has this power over me to make me feel worthless, and horrible and dependable on him and i know that he is only using me and worse he pushes and pushes until i tell him my secrets secrets i haven't told anyone else and then he subliminally (modestly) uses them against me and it just hurts so much and yet i cant seem to do anything about it. damn my fool heart and its need for love i know that's all it is but how do i get over that? how do i move on? when he has taken so much from me and who i am?
I LOVE YOU ALL
i will update weekly at least I PROMISE!*! and i have some new poetry i will put up later.
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