a lil bit crazy

Sunshine scares me,
ThunderStorms comfort me,
I hate the heat of summer and the sappy of spring.
I adore the snow of winter and enjoy the changes of fall.
I like black but disdain white.
My walls are full of color and full of life.
The center of everyroom is a music machine
My thoughts are scattered, my heart is pure.
My friends they call me crazy
they say im one of a kind
to bad for the world i say.
I live my life on edge
I have my own rules, that i live be.
I praise and worship God with a guitar and lyrics
In my life the louder the better.
I dress the way i want,
I say the things i feel, and think (most the time)
And i carry myself with some urban cowgurl pride.
I dont care who you were, or what you've done.
i care about who you are and what you do.
Friends all call me crazy
I love a sunset and the black of night
I hate an early morning sunrise, and the light of day.
I avoid the halls of silence,
and look for the concert halls full of noise and music.
I may sit quiet but if you hear what i hear and the things inside my head
you'd know that it anything but quiet.
Everyone tells me to turn it down. or take them out.
cuz, everywhere i go i have headphones in and a song in my head.
ALL MY FRIENDS THEY CALL ME CRAZY
all because im nothing like you or you or you.
i was raised completly different, and yet the same.
I live for the noise and rucus, when you live for the order, and peace
I look forward to a noisy, loud, crowded city,
I wanna live in a condo, or penthouse, where the hussle and bussle can be heard.
Call me crazy.... well you just might be right.
by your standards i am a lil bit crazy.
but by mine you're all insane.

my life sucks!!!!!!! and then sucks some more

Okay so i know its been awhile, but i've been putting off updating everyone else because then it becomes a reality ya know? anyway but today was the last straw... i mean really i lost it. First: i have been living alone since august right in my dads house cause he basically lives with his lastest girlfriend and he completely ignores me unless he needs something. Well he decided a week ago that we would be having Thanksgiving and Christmas here at my house even thou i didnt want them here. because for the past wat 8 years i've been tryin to get him to do that, and stay sober for both holidays. but he always told me not only no but he*l no. and then bam is gf asks him to and its all ok. and i figured that what the heck i wont be here anyways.... see usually i have a bout 4 family things to go to both days:
the Madsens: my family that doesnt have to be: but this year i wasnt invited, and my step dad when i mentioned it said that its cause he was goin to vernal to see my step mom side of the family and when i mention i might go he said "OH they invited you? i didnt think they did?" and then suggested i just chill with my family this holiday!
then there is my step dad, step mom, and siblings but they are goin to vernal, and just like with papa's funeral they didnt invite me infact they said it wouldnt be the best time.
My grandmas: which is still on but its really early and will no doubt end in fighting and yelling
Bikers: but this year dad says i cant go
so now there is my dads: but he is making me do all the cooking and planning, and shopping.
i cant believe him ... grrr and today we made the chex mix and he treated me like come kinda maid and short order cook. and we started cleaning the house and i noticed that everything that belonged to me, or was choosen by me was Thrown literallly into my bedroom which isn't very big at all. i mean everytihng including frmed pics that had been on the walls, when i asked why he said "your to young you wouldnt understand just do what i tell you too, and when we are done we will discuss what you are to do why everyone is here" like my god what am i deformed or something, am i the evil twin or what? i dont get it what is wrong with me and why doesnt he want me around. .....
I HATE MY FAMILY AND MY DAD..... CORRECTION I DONT HAVE A FAMILY!!!!! I THINK I WOULD RATHER BE AN ORPHAN. WHICH I MIGHT AS WELL BE. I MEAN SERIOUSLY.

somedays i think my MOM was right.........

HUGE UPDATE or atleast a start

Well where to start. Um Um i recently sercome to the notion that FAMILY is a joke! Especially mine, at least the biological family. I also think that i've been replaced in my life, and my friend, and my familys. lets see where to start ok my brother: i used to be the one he turns to for everything and to talk to and to help him. But now he wont return my phone calls, when we talk he basically tells me to go to hell. next Paige My cousin/best friend: we talked daily and hung out all the time but now suddenly the only time she returns my calls or txts is when i forget to pay the phone bill ( she is on my plan), or when she needs something, like a ride for her latest boy friend. Then there is my dad: well put it this way he hasn't slept in our house since the second weekend in august. and lets things slip all the time like "im come over to your house" "i'll buy groceries for your place" or "what do you need for your house" even stuff like" hows your truck holding up" (its his truck im only driving it cause he gave my car away to his ex so that she would leave him alone), today he came over to "my" house and as soon as i got home his phone rang and i quote "ok i will see you soon" then he hung up looked at me with pure disqust "sorry i barged in here without calling ahead i need to use the office computer, i will leave now thou, oh and krystle make sure you rake the leaves, and mow the lawns one last time before snow fall, dont dissappoint me again!" and just like that he left. I dont know what to do or how to take it or anything i just GRRR. im thinking i will take off for awhile over christmas. go outta town and away. since its obvious my family dont want me around or anything.

OH YEAH VOTE FOR OBAMA VOTE FOR A CHANGE!

Somedays...

Somedays:
I wish i was a lil more like her,
A lil Thinner,
A lil Mormon and
Somedays i think if i was a lil more like her:
i would still have you.
If i was a lil more like her:
I wouldn't hate myself.
If i was a lil more like her:
I wouldn't hurt so much.
Somedays i simply wish i didn't cry as much,
I didn't hurt as muchh,
and somedays i wish i never:
DATED/FELL in LOVE with you.
Everyone close to me was right.
I deserved better then you,
and you don't deserve me.

--------------------------------------------------------

Somedays i hope to never feel this way every every again, i wanna stop the pain, the tears, and most i wanna stop the fact that i every time i drive by your grave i cry no correction i BAWL.. your not even the guy that i want to spend the rest of my life with. You were my second boy friend and my best best friend. Not many people knew about you, but that was your choice, you didnt want to answer all the questions that come along with us.. but i just want you to know i miss you. i know you cant read this well maybe you can i guess heaven could have the internet, and you could be checking up on me checking my blog, my myspace... any way,..

sorry everyone for the rant.

one down

One down, to many more to go. I miss my life. I miss my world.
But mostly I just miss you. I miss the way you make me feel.
And the way you hold me close. But I do not miss the anger I felt,
The lies you told, and the pain you inflicted, and the way you left.
I do not miss the way you blew me off, the way you didn’t care. I
Lost my hope I lost my way, and I lost my heart. I misplaced my soul
Most importantly I shut everyone out, I shut the music down, and turned
off the volume.

to see

to see images below click on them

all the things

another poem kinda

Your Voice so sweet,
Your words so empty,
Your meaning so Vague...

My Voice Unheard,

My Pleas unanswered,

My Action Unnoticed...

Your smile so decietful,

Your eyes so cold,

Your heart so full of Lies...

My Soul so Tortured,

My eyes so Anguished,

My heart so betrayed...

Your world all yours,

Your wants all Met,

Your rules all Set..

My World all Crumbled,

My wants all over looked,

My rules all Lost...

Your Friends off limits,

Your family not Mine,

Your love Ungiven...

My friends the best,

My family my Friends,

My Love Vanishing...

OUR home broken,

OUR relationship Destroyed,

OUR world Enilated.

You wanted your Life...

I wanted a Dad!, A family, A home.

**********************************************

Silence

The absence of words,
The lack of communication,
The worst Punishment...
Hearing Silence From you it...
Is the abyss,
It is total Hell,
It is Absolute Torture.
You swore to Change,
You swore to Love, to Laugh,
You swore to Smile, To be around,
You swore to LIVE.
Now all there is, is SILENCE.
I've lost you again, for the last time.
I've buried the Anger,
I've revived the Love,
I've relived the Years,
I've cried the Pain.
No in the SILENCE i screem why...
Why'd you drink, one to Many?
Why'd you give up, one day to soon?
Why'd you risk it, too many times?
Why'd you have to die?
One life GONE, another in SILENCE.
Punished for Loving,
Tortured for Caring,
Hurting for Believing,
Dieing for Hoping,
SUFFERING IN SILENCE.

** hope it makes sense**

you all win

IM STARTING TO READ TWILIGHT RIGHT NOW I JUST BOUGHT lol to all of you.

oh yeah life is drama

Somedays i wonder why? but i've never seen anything as insane as wensday night. for those of you who dont know my dad lost and i mean literally he dang near killed him self twice on the damn bike of his. i love the fact that he has the bike and that he gets to do something he used to do before he was burdened with me. but he promised he would never drink and drive the damn bike.. and last night im sure there was something besides the alcohol. I've already lost one parent to suicide i cant loose another.. i cant im not set like he kept sayin last night im not im really not i may not always act like but i do need my dad and i try and tell him that but he dont listen. and last nite craig told me that my dad was stress over money and how much i need. well i can see that but ya know i feel like unless im up in his face yelling at him or askin for money, im not there ya know he ignores me.. so last night he gave me his debit card and pin well this morning i went to the bank and withdrew some money not too much ya know just enough that he will notice im hoping that he realizes that im here and that last night had an impact and that just cause he is sobber now, that it isnt okay that its just gonna go away he made a lot of ripples in the lake and caused alot of issues but idk he isnt even home he is at her house again and ok that is okay. i hope that he is okay and that he figures it all out... and i hope that i can work my best to not be such a burden and such a stressor to him ...


To make it worse i have to deal with my family and they dont know what happened with dad or anything. so i dont wanna tell them cause it would make it so much worse and just make the already tuff time harder.. ya know but okay here is what happened i went to my gma house to help her cause she demenaded my dad do it but he was still freakin out so i went and i got there and she say and i quote " what the hell are you doing here? you get the scarlet letter of your the hell out my house" i mean WOW first i didnt know my gma could read lil alone that book and second what scarlet letter im going good im life i guess not but i am tryin so i looked here right in the face and stepped closer and said " listen here grandma you aint the big bad wolf you cant blow my house down or eat me. all you can do is huff and puff" she said" your wasting your dads money with college your gonna flunk out or quiet" my uncle said " she is right krystle just accept it your a loser" and well i lost i mean i really lost it " okay you Bit**es, listen here first off its my money from my mom second it will not flunk out and third i am not a loser like you guys i refuse to be just anoher stupid stat or horror story for you to tell you friends. so if you guys wanna step up then step the hell up cause when it comes to our family vs. me my dad tends to stick close to ME and you all assholes are gonna loose, Carl (thats my uncle) you work for my dad not the other way around so stop moping around and acting like your boss cause your not youare expendable and if you dont know what the means look it up. and grandma you need to just pull your head out of you ass and deal with the fact that your fave grand daughter are whores, one has a kid, does drugs and drinks all the time.. and the other well she is with a guy much older then her and sleeping iwht him all the time they all have sleep overs and everything oh and just so you know she is off birth controll. she spend the money for the BC shot on BS and "sexi" underwear.. so back the freak off and next time you call me or dad i suggest you change your attitude or you will really learn the word bitch"my gma said"you bitch you think your just to good for us" and as i was walkin out the door i couldnt resist it so i said " no gma im a bitch im THEE bitch, and if you wanna have a bitch fest you can bet your ass i will out bitch you after all i learned the best, and the rest well their just weak peace" and i walked out that was yesturday afternoon and i aint talk to any of them yet and i dont plan too...... I felt so bad talkin to my grandma like that but my gosh she just hates me and she does nothin but try and tear me down and after all the drama with my dad my 'fuse"was gone i mean it i was just waiting to explode i just couldnt hold it in anylonger i mean she has been like this for yrs but never this bad. but i dont knwo what to do now.... oh and dad toke off for the weekend.

It Amazing

It's just a sad picture
The final blow hits you
Somebody else gets
What you wanted
You know
It's all the same
Another time and place
Repeating history
Just another episode

But I believe
In whatever you do
And I'll do anything
To see it through

Chorus:
Because these things
Will change
We can see it now
These walls
That they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
It's how we'll become
Who we're
Supposed to be
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah
Oh

So you've been
Out numbered
When you've been
Out cornered
It's time to find
What you're
Fighting for

You're getting
Stronger now
From things
They never found
They might be better
But we're faster
And never scared

We've got the ways
That we can beat this
There's something
In your eyes
Says we can beat this

Chorus:
Because these things
Will change
We can see it now
These walls
That they put up
To hold us back
Will fall down
It's a revolution
It's how we'll become
Who we're
Supposed to be
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah
Oh

Tonight we're
Standing on our feet
To fight
For what we worked
For all these years
The battle of long
It's the fight
Of our lives
We'll stand up
Champions one
And it's the night
We changed
We can see it now
When the walls
That they put up
To hold us
Back fell down
Coz it's a revolution
Throw your hands up
Coz we never give in
We'll sing hallelujah
We'll sing hallelujah
Hallelujah

Thats Taylor Swifts new song CHANGE

cryin

Have you ever just wanted to cry... has your heart ever just felt so empty, so hurt. well mine has and it contiues too. i was hoping it would heal itself and i would able to go back to bubbly but it is takin longer then normal and to be honest im not sure it will heal at all but thats the cards i was delt i guess im ment to be alone and heartbroken... god can sure be cruel sometimes. but he has his reason. I pray god gives me the strength i need to get through school and life and everything. I hide my feelings even from my closest of close friends. i dont want them to worry or to judge me. i love them for their hearts and i know that if i need it they will be there with a shoulder to cry on. this weekend im going camping and then i will deal with everything up there in the middle of the water. yup that i will. grrr. save me plz

grrr god help me please i dont know what to do.

So wow okay green monster totally green scary green. someone very closse to me got engaged today and well anyone who knows my story knows why that hurts so much i mean dont get me wrong i love them to death and beyond happy for them but i was engaged just a lil while ago and then he broke it off cause i wasnt good enough and cause of his parents. and that just killed me because i had tried so so so so hard to please them and be okay with them and to be accepted and all them time and now i know i say im over him cause he is with someone else and being a duch. and not talkin to me unless he needs something and so everynight when no one is around and no one is going to be mad at me for still loving him i cry myself to sleep, or i just flat out cry. all my friends say he dont deserve me, he isnt good enough for me, and they are right he doesnt deserve me, but I DESERVE HIM. but i cant have him so again tonight i will paint my room and while painting i will cry to my self jamming out to music that makes me happy. and i will numb myself to the world since im not good enough to be here. anyway someday i jsut wish GOD would kill me. i really do. .. i dont even think he would notice if i died, i dont think he would cry, be sad, or even miss me at all. im a lonely soul wishing for death.

mr right

So the guy that claimed to be my mister right...
well his in love and not with me.. lol you know.
but guess what im okay.. i think i got my friends
and i got my guys, and i got my music. so he and
his chicks can do what they want cause we all know
he is playin her too. i just hope for her sake he doesnt
ask her to marry him because he asked me too and
we all know how that turns out. so to her i say good luck.
And to him may the guilt eat away at him while he is on his
mission for the lds church and best wishes to him companion.
may they all lead great and full lives and may they all find
happyness in some way or another.
"best of wishes"

wows up wows

so not only did dad by a new bike with my saving account money
but thanks to dang UDOT now he has to update and fix both
the truck and the drill rig again with the savings account
so basically im screwed that money was supposed to be
for all the stuff i would need for college like an external hard
drive, books, tution, supplies, etc and now i will be lucky to be
able to pay the tution and thats a big tution... GRRRRRRR
it stress me out grrr i think i need a drink a cobble wobble
lol wow... i need a vaccation from a break lol
i miss my friends!*!*!*!*!*!*! i miss them all

Grumble

So my dad freaked at me last night because of my sleeping habits, well dand its summer what do you expect.

when i woke up
the sun was shinning,
when i got up
the heat was rising,
when i stood up
the house was empty
I was free for a moment
i looked outside and had a flashback
to that time in cali on the beach
with the hottest guy in the world
he's in town, oh yes he is
he came to see me
all the way from cali
because i called him cryin
he got here late last night,
he came stright to my house
we went for a drive..
being with him makes my heart sing
he held me close and said
"krissy your my angel you know that
i dont ever wanna hear you cryin it broke
my heart and tore me up. im here for you
no matter what. it will be ok just because
they are your blood family doesn't give them
the right to tear you down. you can chose
your family. you can choose your future
your dreams dont become a zombie for your
family or the jerk. be that bright goofy happy
gurl i feel in love with so many years ago and
if you ever need it you can come home to me
my door is always open to you, no notice needed
i love you angel."
it was the best thing in the world to hear. i need
that thanks for coming Jared. thank you and i
love you too gaurdian.......

im there now

I've been avoiding writing this, cause the second i put it on paper, Its gonna be real, its gonna be a reality....
Have you ever felt so empty inside, so cold that even in 90 degree weather your still wrapped in his Hoddie, and blankets and still shivering?
Have you ever been surrounded by pure darkness, so dark you can't see anything, even though its the brightest day, and the sun is high in the clear blue sky?
Have you ever been in so much pain you have to fight passing out, and when ya look there isn't any physical mark, cuts, or bruises on you?
Have you ever cried so much, and so hard you couldn't breathe?
Have you ever cried so long that you ran out of tears, but no one saw a single tear?
Have you ever felt alone, so alone, like no one was there, even though you were surrounded by people?
Have you ever been invisible, like no one can see you even though your doing great things, like you have to screw up, or do something bad to be seen?
Have you ever wanted so much to just give up to just end it, to just walk away?
Has anyone ever told you, you can do it, cause your strong, and your tough just cause they haven't seen you cry, but you know your not?

I HAVE, IM THERE NOW!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!

Dang you

Every move I make, Every breath I take
I breath I take it in I suffer I try to hide
I run away I disappear I become invisible
You treat me like I don't exist so much for
The one that fills your void.
You used and abused me so to speak.
I was simply a notch in your sex obsession
I gave you everything, and you killed me
I'm like a walking Zombie
Going about doing what I do without a clue
I go about my life like a blind person
Like a person with nothing left
And not enough courage to end it
I used to think like this but
I changed my mind
I can't let myself give up
Not because of you
Your not worth it, you don't deserve it
I told you that the KRYS you knew was gone
Well I was right, now the BITCH is back,
Im not the krys I let you change me to be
Im the krys that doesn't believe in love
That thinks that men are only good as friends
Nothing more
Im the krys that thinks that Religion is BS
Im the krys who is tired of being treated like
An outsider just cause I don't belong to your church
IM DONE WITH YOU> BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THE BITCHY KRYS IS BACK
You should thank god for my music
Or I'd take it out on you!!!!!!!!!